If both adults have children, the adjustment to step relationships is likely to take longer and be more complicated. When single parents find partners and choose to marry and create blended families, the transition can be hardest on the children. Step parenting advice emphasizes that whether children have lost a parent to death or divorce, accepting an adult in place of a step mother or father is difficult and requires patience on the part of the adults. Assuming that dealing with teenage step children is harder than toddlers is incorrect – each family comes with its own problems, and each child, regardless of age, has different needs or doubts.

Step Parenting Advice

• Holding unrealistic expectations of a happy family on the day after the wedding can lead to deep disappointment and fights. Usually it is wise to start off slowly, giving each family member time and space to adjust to the new step relationships.
• Children thrive in atmospheres of security and routine, and step parenting advice suggests that both parents should respect this and realize the importance of it in their adjustment process. Family routines like Sunday picnics should be maintained, and parents can talk to their own children about involving the step-siblings into these events.
• In dealing with step children, displays of affection should not be forced or dramatic. If your children usually give you goodnight kisses or hugs, refrain from asking them to do the same for your new spouse. In addition to making them feel awkward, it would seem as if they are being forced into step relationships.
• For children of step relationships, step parents are often seen as trying to replace their mother or father, and usually this doesn’t sit well with the child. Reassure your child that nobody is going to take the place of their biological parent.
• When children have lost a parent, especially to death, they can become very possessive about the belongings or memories of that parent. Explain that the child can choose to keep those belongings that mean a lot and that the memory of their parent will always be sacred and special. Going through those belongings together with your child can be an important part of letting go.
• If possible, allow children to make their own decisions when it comes to deciding what they are comfortable calling their step parent. Step relationships cannot be forced and dealing with step children is best done delicately.
• It is advisable to avoid becoming the one to lay down the rules when dealing with step children, whether younger children or teens. However, taking the child’s side as a way to gain favor will not help in the long run: children will see through it, but take advantage of the new support anyway.
• It is important for parents of blended families to teach children to respect step relationships. Setting boundaries and limits for behavior, making sure to keep all arguments or disagreements for a private moment, and using respect in your own speech are other ways to instill respect within a blended family.
• There are numerous ways to help your children and step-children to adjust to the dramatic changes in a family. The most important step parenting advice, however, is that the most basic needs of children are love, respect, attention and security, and with those in place, the rest will follow.

References:

1. Step-Parenting and Blended Family Advice – HelpGuide

2. Becoming a Step Parent – Kids Health

3. Foundations for a Successful Step-Family – University of Michigan Health System

Once child custody arrangements have been made, parents will need to work together to ensure that their divorce does not damage their child. Co-parenting a child from separate sides of a divorce requires a commitment from both partners that they will continue to do what is best for the child, and deal with their own issues independently. When a child is already dealing with the fact of shuttling between two houses and two adults who are no longer married, a few child custody guidelines can help.

Children In A Divorce: Child Custody Guidelines

• Don’t use children as messengers to each other. Whether communication is difficult, angry or resentful, children bearing messages find it upsetting to be in a situation like this. They feel forced to take sides or show loyalty and will be left hurt and confused.
• When children stay over, try to follow familiar routines as much as possible. Trying to win favor by letting them stay up late or do anything they are not allowed otherwise is a petty trick and can be damaging in the long run.
• Children are naturally curious and will ask questions long after divorce and custody papers have been signed. Answering questions patiently and with sensitivity both to the child and to the other parent is the right way to handle this situation. Blaming the other parent or calling names will make the child feel torn between the two.
• Many parents find it almost impossible to pump children for answers about the other parent: how they are managing, what their friends are saying, whether they have any new special friends. No matter how old the child is, this can lead to guilt, torn loyalties, and lying to save one parent’s feelings and to avoid further fighting.

Parents And Child Custody Arrangements

Dealing with issues that arise in divorce and child custody can be difficult, especially when a divorce has not been amicable. Parents of children in a divorce, however, must be ready to make the commitment to co-parenting as respectful and sensitive adults, for the sake of the child. Creating a schedule and child custody guidelines may seem childish and immature to both parents, but can often help smooth out areas of discord. Some child custody advice:

• Make clear demarcations on topics like religion, education, financial factors, holidays or festivals, etc. When it comes to these issues, both parents should have a responsibility and a commitment, and adhere to it.
• While parenting styles and discipline methods may differ, divorced parents should avoid a drastic change to reduce the damaging impact on the child. Child custody guidelines between parents can make lives easier for all involved.
• Treating the other parent with respect and consideration makes things smoother for both parents and children. Informing the other parent in advance about not being able to fulfill child custody arrangements, such as being there for a school event or taking the child for a holiday, gives time to prepare the child for the disappointment and make other arrangements.
• Using the child as a means to collect payments of alimony or child support, to hurt or make the other parent feel guilty are hugely damaging to a child’s self esteem and sense of belonging.
• Resolve to discuss all issues about payments, financial decisions and custody issues when alone.

With healthy communication, sensitivity, and showing respect for the other partner at least when it comes to co-parenting, co-parenting will become easier with time. Remember that it is difficult for you to be a good parent if you are emotionally or physically weak. Taking time out for yourself, exercising and taking care of your own health, and if necessary talking to professionals can help you deal with issues that arise with a divorce.

Reference:

1. Child Custody – Family Law Free Advice

Talking to Children About Divorce

Being open to children in a divorce is important, and helps them to develop a reasonable understanding and expectations of the situation. A few pointers:

• When both partners sit down to talk to their children in a divorce, it makes the children feel that their parents have both agreed upon this as the best option. Divorcing couples should avoid arguing, recrimination, and blame during this discussion; remember, this is more about the children than the marriage.
• Depending on the age of the children in a divorce, decide beforehand what to reveal and how to phrase it. Telling a child that you’ve both decided to live apart because it’s for the best is a safe way of explaining it. For older children in a divorce, telling them that you are finding it hard to get along and have chosen to get a divorce is acceptable.
• At this point, reassure the child that he or she will continue to belong to both parents, and both of you will continue to love him or her as before even as single parents. The most vital point to stress on for children in a divorce is that they are not responsible for the decision. Children blame themselves and will torture themselves for it for years.
• Always talk with sensitivity about the other parent to a child. Remember, that person may not be your spouse any more, but will continue to be the child’s parent.
• During divorce and custody of children, avoid telling a child that they are now the man or woman in the house, or that they have to grow up and be responsible can lead to ill effects that last well into adult years. Children will bottle up feelings, repress their emotions and withdraw into shells just to make a parent feel that they are handling the divorce well.
• Encouraging children in a divorce to talk about the situation and their reactions, to meet family members and friends are all good ways of allowing children to grow naturally despite changed situations.

Children of Divorce: Dealing with the Situation

Springing the idea of divorce on children at the last minute is not fair to the child. Give them time to absorb and understand the situation, and allow questions. When a family has to take decisions on divorce and custody, children usually worry about the smaller things that will affect them directly. Often, they will ask about their day to day lives, from issues like “Will Daddy have a new family?” to even questions like “Who will make my breakfast from now on?”

Dealing With Divorce: Acknowledging The Pain

When talking to children about divorce, parents need to acknowledge the pain their children are feeling. In the midst of an emotionally difficult divorce, whether it is messy or amicable, children can feel small and unimportant, even unloved. Acknowledging that you are sad and that you know they are sad too will make it easier for them to talk. However, constantly reassure them that everything will be better soon, and draw their attention to the factors that will remain the same. Statements like “You’ll still be going to the same school even if we move, and you can have all your friends over to see your new room” will admit that there will be changes, but will provide them with a new way of looking at them.

No matter how hard parents try, sometimes it doesn’t help during a divorce. Children can be very sensitive and will find it hard to recover from a drastic change. Watch children in a divorce carefully for signs of depression and emotional issues: sliding grades, outbursts of petulance or anger, withdrawal, or other unruly behavior patterns are indications of an underlying problem. For school age children, talk to teachers about schoolwork and behavior in class. In some cases, it might help to put your child into counselling at school so that they have an impartial adult to talk to. Counselling or support groups for parents in a divorce could also provide some of the strength needed during this time.

Reference:

1. Children and Divorce – Help Guide